It would be sheer denial to say that living with a chronic illness doesn’t come with its own moments of defeat, losses, and limitations. I think we all have our “big hitters” and even our “small hitters” when it comes to our illness.
A tough defeat for me was no longer being able to do my best at tasks. I found myself struggling to perform at my prior level and deeply disappointed when it just didn’t happen. I have always prided myself on my independence and ability to handle anything that came my way. Now I was becoming more dependent on others and things I could seamlessly do before I could no longer do as well. In time, though, I have learned to accept my new “norm” and realize it’s not a defeat, it’s a change. I may have lost some abilities, but I have gained in other areas. More to come on that!
For me, one of the first big hits (don’t laugh!) was the loss in the ability to continue my hard-core workouts. I know many would find that to be a win. To me, working out was as much part of my day as brushing my teeth. And if I didn’t do it for a few days, I felt sick. Working out was my stress reliever, my confidence builder, and I loved the “high” I got from completing an intense Insanity or T25 workout (one of the most strenuous programs out there). Now, working out has become my enemy, so to speak. If I were to work out now, I would be harming myself on a short-term and long-term basis.
When it comes to my limitations, they have come in a variety of ways. I accomplish less in a day, I often need to ask for help (this one was very hard for me to accept because I was used to be the helper, not the “helpee”). and I’ve lost the ability to participate in certain activities. When someone invites me to go with them to an event, I have to put it through a multi-layered clearinghouse before I can accept it.
So yes, defeats, losses and limitations have entered my life. But let’s be real before we dwell on this too much, because the reality is that everyone, absolutely everyone, has some form of these three in their lives. Maybe not to the degree that we do (though some do), but no one lives a life of all wins, gains, and in excess of opportunities.
With each defeat, loss or limitation though I can just as easily highlight new discoveries, triumphs, and wins. I know at times, especially in our most challenging moments that it seems like it’s impossible to think that such things are possible, but I’m here to tell you they are. I’m living them and loving them! We all have them; it may take some time to discover them, as it did for me, but they are there in a unique way for all of us.
So, as far as one of my new discoveries, well, it actually turned out to be a great replacement for my loss. I swapped out working out for gentle yoga, tai chi and meditation. There’s no getting around it, it’s not the same. However, in some ways it’s better. I may have lost my toned arms, back and legs, but I gained the ability to slow down my mind, live in the moment, and also still feel somewhat fit through yoga. While I still sometimes yearn for my hard-core workouts, I really appreciate these new opportunities. Opportunities the hard-core, mountain-climbing person I was would have scoffed at but opportunities that enlightened me thoroughly embraces.
When it comes to new opportunities, this one I only thought to explore because I was sick. And that is writing. At first it was simply a therapeutic process for me. A way for me to organize and accept what was all happening to me. Then I explored publishing options and got published and republished. It was all so exciting and new – and I needed some real excitement at this point. As I continued to write, and positive comments came pouring in, I learned that my writing was helping others. It was raising public awareness of myalgic encephalomyelitis and life with a chronic illness, helping people feel less isolated and alone with their illness, and providing them with strategies for overcoming challenges. And that, to me, quickly became my primary source of motivation. An opportunity and win!
I would have to say that there have been many, many additional wins as well. Too many to name them all, in fact. But another important one is that I have become more me. When I first got diagnosed, I thought I was losing piece after piece of me. As time progressed though I realized I quickly was becoming more of the best of me. I was even more compassionate, more loving, more forgiving, and more supportive. I’ve always been on the “giver” side of relationships, but now those sides of me are enhanced, experienced, and more supportive. I have also had to learn to be a “taker” though, which you “givers” know how hard that can be, but I think that’s also a good thing. It’s brought a better balance to my relationships.
My second big win is you all. I’ve met so many of you, both in person and virtually. This community is amazingly supportive and always, always there when you need them. We know what each other is going through and how best to help. So, the fact that my writing has been helpful to many in this same group makes me happy that I can give back to such incredible individuals that have given me so much love and support.
So yes, there have been defeats, losses, and limitations but who hasn’t had this in their life at every stage. Most importantly is a focus on the new discoveries, opportunities, and wins. I’m excited to see what’s next! I hope you are too!
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