Feeling the “Good” Kind of Nervous

Have you ever been afraid of something that may change your life for the better in a variety of good ways? That’s where I’m sitting right now, right here in my office chair. I’ve been sick with a chronic illness now for 5 years but I have yet to be seen by a specialist for it. I’ve been seen by many, many doctors that don’t believe my condition even exists, doctors that have heard of it but refuse to talk to me about it because it’s “over their head,” doctors that have had me educate them on my condition so they could help me with one of its symptoms (not the easiest to do when you have cognitive challenges) and one wonderful doctor that has found a passion for learning all she can about this condition to help those of us suffering from it. But the fact remains that 5 years in, I have yet to see a specialist for my condition. Why? Because there are so very few in my country. I live in the big and vast United States and yet there are just a handful of helping hands!

So, I’m a bit apprehensive. This is going to be a completely new experience for me. Perhaps what worries me is that this illness is tricky in the sense that what works for one may not work for another. So, there’s quite a bit of trial, testing, and more trial. I went down that road to prior to getting this diagnosis and it was a pretty bumpy road. A lot of medications with bad side effects and no positive effects. Then there were some with positive effects, but they were outweighed by the negative side effects.

So, as I sit here in my desk chair, I have mixed emotions. I feel entirely grateful that I have the opportunity to see a specialist. I realize how lucky I am because there’s not many out there that support my condition. I have heard wonderful things from my friends that have gone to this specialist, yet to be completely honest I’m still a little nervous. I don’t know if it’s the bad experiences of the past or the idea of changing the new “norm” I’ve adapted to. While the new norm is far from a state of good health, I can effectively deal with it. It’s not pretty, but I can deal with it.

Maybe I feel like I may be messing with a “good” thing - though the reality is that I’m sitting here with at best 50% functionality so I’m probably really stretching the idea of a “good” thing. What I know though is that my vision is fading, my cognitive challenges randomly play hide-and-seek with me, my coordination is out of whack, my exhaustion levels are off the chart, and I never know which set of symptoms will hit me hardest on a given day or if my compromised immune system will latch onto some new infection or illness.

Reading that some may say – that’s lucky?? Or, that’s lucky! Or is she serious – go for it!! But I’m nervous because something great may happen or I may go through a round new medications that may bring side effects or even no effect (hopes dashed).

While I’ve adapted, this really isn’t a good thing. Yes, it could be a lot worse, but why wouldn’t I feel simply excited at the idea of finally getting help? As I write this it sounds silly to me. But it’s my honest feelings at the current moment.

So yes, despite the most likely good or even great outcomes that lie ahead of me I’m honestly a little nervous. Nervous of what’s to come. Through reading The Upside of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self – Not Just Your “Good Self- Drives Success and Fulfillment, [1] I have learned that every emotion has a purpose. Being nervous isn’t a negative emotion or mindset but rather a signal to me. In this case, a signal that most likely a change is to come, one way or another. And sometimes even good change is a bit scary. And I am nervous and scared. But in all of this I need to remember how adaptable I am. I adapted to all of the above so surely I will be able adapt to what is to come and what is most likely a wonderful next step in my journey with this illness. As I write this, I’ve begun to convince myself that I’ve got this. I want it and I’ve got this!

I have to also share that riding above the nervousness is gratefulness. I’m grateful that there are medical providers that have dedicated their practice to Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (#MECFS). I’m grateful that I have the opportunity to go this clinic and for friends that encouraged, supported, and helped me get an appointment there. I’m grateful that others like me have a place to go. I’m grateful that there’s hope for a better quality of life. I’m grateful that this world has provided me with an opportunity to find answers and solutions to my pain and medical problems. While I am nervous, I am grateful, adaptable, and I am ready!

Have you had a similar journey? I’d love to hear how your “before” and “after went!

[1] Todd Kashdan, PhD, and Robert Biswas-Diener, Dr. Philos. (2014), “The Upside of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self – Not Just Your “Good Self- Drives Success and Fulfillment.” New York, New York: Hudson Street Press.